Sunnuntaina saimme juhlia mieheni kanssa sitä, että ensitreffeistämme on aikaa viisi vuotta. Viisi! Miten aika on voinut juosta niin nopeaan, kun juurihan valitsin vaatteita iltaa varten, perhoset vatsassa?
Ja silti, mitä kaikkea onkaan tapahtunut. Opintojen puserrukset, yhteenmuutto, seuraavaan kämppään muutto, yhteiset reissut, raskausaika, lapsi, opiskelijaelämän vaihtuminen ruuhkavuosiin, toiselle paikkakunnalle muutto, oma syöpädiagnoosi, naimisiinmeno, näin ihan muutaman asian kertoakseni. Ja kun seuraavat viisi vuotta kuluvat, niin mitä kaikkea siinä sitten ehtii tapahtua? Ainakin meidän vauvasta on tullut ekaluokkalainen ja olemme muuttaneet tästä asunnosta eteenpäin, mutta mitä kaikkea muuta?
Olen huono laatimaan viisi- tai kymmenvuotissuunnitelmia, sillä elämä on opettanut niin monta kertaa, että kaikki ei todellakaan mene, niin kuin suunnittelee. Helpompaa on suunnitella elämää vuoden tai kahden päähän – ja silti joskus yllättyy, ihanasti tai kamalasti.
Ainakin toivon, että viiden vuoden päästä olemme edelleen kokonainen perhe ja että olen (ja tietysti, että olemme kaikki!) saaneet pysyä terveinä. Mehän olemme luvanneet rakastaa toisiamme niin myötä- kuin vastamäessä, olemme syksyllä astelleet avioon. Olemme sanoneet ”tahdon”. Tämä syksy on ollut sitä vastamäkeä. Rakkauden lisäksi on vaadittu aika paljon tahtoa.
Kaikki tekevät virheitä, minä ainakin. Tänä syksynä olen oppinut, että joskus, kun kuvittelee tekevänsä oikein, tekeekin ison, ison virheen. Tilanteessa, jossa pariskunnan toinen osapuoli sairastuu vakavasti ja kun perheessä on vielä pieni lapsi, tekee mieli suojella toista. Kun toisen niskaan kaatuvat niin huoli puolisosta, päävastuu arjen pyörityksestä ja stressi omien opintojen loppuun saattamisesta, tekee mieli olla kertomatta ihan jokaista murhetta. Kun sillä toisella on jo ihan tarpeeksi huolia.
Virhe. ERROR ERROR ERROR. Vaikka miten tekisi mieli, ei toista pidä suojella yhtään miltään. Vaikka kuinka tuntuisi, että minäpä nyt jätän vain muutaman asian kertomatta, ettei toinen jatkuvasti joudu kuuntelemaan puolison huolia ja joskus ihan järjettömiäkin mietteitä, ei mitään kannata jättää kertomatta.
Ymmärrän nyt nimittäin niitä, jotka kertovat, että erosivat, koska kasvoivat erilleen. Pikkuhiljaa vetäytyivät omiin nurkkiinsa. Niin voi käydä myös siksi, että he välittivät toisistaan niin paljon, että halusivat suojella toista.
Sillä jos toiselle ei kerro, mitä miettii ja mitä tapahtuu, ei toinen voi sitä tietää. Kukaan meistä ei ole ajatustenlukija. Mitä enemmän toista suojelee jättämällä kertomatta tapahtuneita asioita, pelkoja ja laukkaavia ajatuksia sitä kauemmas toisesta lipuu. Ja sitä vaikeampi on avata suu ja kertoa, missä mennään.
Syöpähoitojen ja muiden suurten elämänkriisien aikaan ei myöskään riitä, että koittaa lapsiperhearjesta järjestää toisilleen aikaa pari kertaa viikossa. Joka ikinen päivä voi tapahtua niin paljon asioita (joko käytännössä tai mielessä), että asioista on puhuttava heti. Muuten voidaan ajautua tilanteeseen, että sairastunut kuvittelee kertoneensa kaikki asiat ja toinen osapuoli ihmettelee, olisiko tästäkin asiasta voinut puhua hieman aikaisemmin.
Miten sitä aikaa sitten on niin vähän? No, muut lapsiperheelliset tietävät – keskustelu ruokapöydässä taaperon läsnäollessa nyt ei välttämättä pääse kovin syvällisiin sfääreihin. Lapsi ottaa itselleen huomion hyvällä tai pahalla, mutta hän ottaa sen joka tapauksessa. Vanhempien syvällisempi keskustelu kesken ruokahetken tarkoittaa aika monessa perheessä sitä, että puolet lapsen ruuasta on lattialla jo toinen puolikas vesilasissa. (Ja jos jossain perheessä asia ei ole näin, niin olkaa hyvä, älkää kertoko minulle.)
Lapsi ymmärtää muutenkin niin paljon, ettei kaikista asioista vain yksinkertaisesti voi puhua hänen läsnäollessaan. Aikuisen pitää kestää, jos syöpää sairastava puoliso haluaa puhua siitä mahdollisuudesta, ettei selviäkään. Mutta kun on kuitenkin todennäköisempää, että äiti paranee, ei lasta voi kuormittaa sellaisilla mietteillä, ettei äitiä muka enää olisikaan.
Vielä pahempi tilanne on, jos molemmat suojelevat toista, eikä kumpikaan tiedä, missä mennään ja mitä toinen ajattelee.
Muuta ratkaisua ei ole, kuin puhua. Puhua, puhua ja puhua. Puhua jatkuvasti ja puhua kaikki, mikä mielenpäällä on, vaikka kuinka se voisi pahoittaa toisen mielen. SIllä se, minkä jättää puhumatta, jää kaivelemaan omaa mieltä. Ja se ärsyttää. Ja sitten se toinen taas miettii, että missä on vika, kun tuo toinen on taas naama väärinpäin. Ainut tapa puheyhteyden palauttamiseksi on vain puhua.
Toinen asia on priorisointi. Toiselle on järjestettävä aikaa, vaikka tuntuu, että aikaa ei olisikaan. En osaa sanoa, mistä sen voi ottaa, mutta jostain. Jostain se on meillekin löytynyt. Kannattaa ainakin siivota ja somettaa hieman vähemmän (somevirta ja siivouskohteet eivät kumpikaan lopu koskaan) ja tinkiä myös siitä omasta ajasta. Sillä niin kuin Valeäiti varsin osuvasti kirjoitti, tuskin kukaan meistä on tai haluaa olla kymmenen vuoden päästä naimisissa tietekoneen näppiksen tai tiskikoneen kanssa, vaan mieluummin sen puolisonsa kanssa.
Kolmanneksi, oli sitten kyse syövästä tai ihan vaan ruuhkavuosista (tai ihan mistä tahansa tilanteesta, jota kenen tahansa lukijan on helppo vähätellä, ”kun ei oo edes lapsia tai mitään syöpää”) niin kannattaa ottaa kaikki apu vastaan, mitä tarjotaan. Oli se sitten ystävien tai sukulaisten lastenhoito- tai kaupassakäyntiapua, tai kaupungin järjestämää lapsiperheiden kotipalvelua (tän takia ollaankin vähennetty sitä itse tehtävää siivousta), tai yksilöterapiaa tai pariterapiaa. Erikoissairaanhoito on Suomessa niin hyvin järjestetty, että ainakin Turussa lapsiperheelle nämä kaikki (ja vielä paljon muuta) tuodaan eteen tarjottimella. Jos edes harkitset, että jostakin näistä voisi olla hyötyä, niele ylpeytesi ja tartu siihen. Ilman näitä meidän perhe olisi ainakin ihan pulassa.
Parisuhde voi syöpähoitojen aikana kulkea vuoristorataa. Mutta niinhän se toisaalta menee elämässä muutenkin: Jos välillä menee oikein huonosti, niin sitten kun menee hyvin, niin se tuntuu aivan mahtavalta. Vaikka olen oppinut tämän sairauden aikana ymmärtämään, miksi jotkut eroavat, kun parisuhteen toisesta osapuolesta tulee avuton potilas, olen oppinut myös monta muuta asiaa. Ja yksi tärkeimmistä asioista on se, että ei ole ketään muuta, joka mun kanssa jaksaisi jakaa tämän matkan. Kirjoittaisi kirjeen, kun on vaikea löytää sanoja. Hoitaisi kaikki käytännön asiat lapsen kanssa silloin, kun olen aivan väsynyt. Sanoisi, että mene vaan lepäämään. Olla luotettavana peruskalliona mulle silloinkin, kun on itse aivan väsynyt. Sanoa kauniiksi, vaikka itsestä tuntuisi kuinka rumalta. Suunnitella tulevaisuutta ja muistuttaa, että vielä kaikki järjestyy.
Kiitos, rakas!
PS. Loppuun vielä kolmen P:n parisuhdevinkki: Puhu, pussaa, priorisoi. Nämä kolme kun muistaa, ovat asiat aika hyvin.
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