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Enää ei siis oksennuta, mutta väsyttää kyllä ihan todella. Mikä on fyysistä ja mikä henkistä, en osaa sanoa, eikä onneksi tarvitsekaan. Yleisesti tiedossa on kuitenkin, että useilla syöpäpotilailla hoitoväsymys lisääntyy hoitojen loppua kohti. Minä kovasti suunnittelin, että en väsähdä, vaan liikun joka päivä, mutta minkäs sille mahtaa, jos saa useita infektioita ja joutuu viikoksi sairaalaan makaamaan.
Olen ehtinyt ajatella viime päivinä edelleen ulkonäköjuttuja ja vaatteita ja käynyt taas kerran vaatekaappini läpi. Haluaisin olla nainen, joka ostaa vain laadukasta, tarpeeksi klassista vaatetta, jonka käyttöikä on pitkä. Onnistun tässä joskus ja olen taitava löytämään käytettynä itselleni sopivaa laatuvaatetta, mutta on yksi asia, jonka takia epäonnistun – vartaloni koko ja malli muuttuu.
Kokeilin juuri päälleni mekkoa, jossa juhlin yo-juhliani. Se solahti päälleni kuin… jätesäkki? Vyötäron kohta oli kyllä istuva, mutta jotta mekko olisi ollut istuva muutenkin, piti proteesin lisäksi rintojen kohdalle lisätä jotain muutakin täytteeksi. Se tuntui kummalta! Miten monta vuotta meni isorintaisena, ja miten äkkiä koko homma on unohtunut!

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Imetyksen hiivuttua nimittäin rinnoistani lähti useampi kuppikoko. Otin muutoksen ilolla vastaan, sillä muistan, että oli ihan huikea tunne, että vaatekaupoista löytyi suhteellisen helposti istuvia vaatteita. Suuririntaisena sain myös sellaista huomiota, jota en olisi aina halunnut. Muutos oli ihan tervetullut.
Toinen muutos raskauden jälkeen, oli ei toivotumpi. Kuulun niihin onnekkaisiin, joilta metys vei minulta helposti kaikki raskauskilot ja vähän enemmänkin, mutta mikään ei palauttanut venynyttä, sektioleikattua vatsanahkaani. Vaikka laihduin pienemmäksi kuin ennen raskautta, eivät vanhat hameet ja housut enää mahtuneet. En enää voi käyttää muita, kuin erittäin korkeavyötäröisiä alaosia, jotta kaikki ei pursuile.
Kun toivuin rintaleikkauksesta ja odotin, että saisin kunnollisen rintaproteesin ja proteesiliivit, herkuttelin ajatuksella, että saisin sitten taas koko vaatekaapin (rintaliivejä ja bikinejä lukuunottamatta) käyttööni. Se oli mukava ajatus, mutta se ei ollut totta. Kuten edellisessä postauksessa totesin, kaula-aukosta vilahtaa kahden rinnan sijaan yksi rinta ja yksi kuoppa. Myös kainaloaukoista näkyy kuoppa ja myös pala arpea.
Arvet eivät ole tähän päivään mennessä minun pukeutumistani määrittäneet. Viime syöpähoidoista jäi rintaani näkyvä arpi, sillä hoitojen ajaksi minulle asennettiin diffuusioportti. Se ei tuntunut mitenkään isolta jutulta. Suhtautumiseni tähän nykyiseen hommaan on ihan eri – en halua, että kukaan satunnainen ohikulkija näkee kumartaessani tuon kuopan, enkä halua, että arpi pilkottaa kainalosta.
En oikein tiedä itsekään, miksi tämä juttu on niin vaikea. Olisi hienoa olla asennemimmi, joka ei välittäisi näistäkään arvista yhtään mitään ja käyttäyisi edelleen niitä lempivaatteitaan, mutta jokin estää.
Haluaisin vain olla tavallinen. Ihan tavallinen nainen ja äiti silmäpusseineen ja selluliitteineen. En se, jonka vartalon kohtia nähdessään joku kauhistuu ja säälii. Voi parkaa! Hienosti jaksaa tilanteen, mutta huh, onneksi ei minulla! Voihan sen ajatella niinkin, että rintasyöpähän nyt on ihan tavallinen juttu ja ihan yleistä. Mutta eipä se sitä ole omassa ikäluokassani, olemme pienen pieni vähemmistö.
Toiset potilaat ovat sitä mieltä, ettei sen rinnan niin väliä, jos vaan pysyy elossa. Niin, onhan se tavallaan niinkin, mutta kun on reilut viisitoista vuotta omannut rinnat ja yhtäkkiä toista vaan ei ole, niin aika monelle se ei ole ihan pikkujuttu. Ei tässä sairastaessa edelleenkään kasveta tai jalostuta (yyh, puistattaa koko sana) joksikin yli-ihmisiksi, vaan ihan inhimillisiä ihmisiä me olemme jokainen.
Mari Andrew julkaisee Instagramissa sellaisia piirroksia, jotka todella puhuttelevat itseä. Tämä kuva todella osui ja upposi omaan tajuntaan. Toisessa pallossa on sen tajuaminen, kuinka tärkeitä ne tärkeät asiat ovat. Toisessa pallossa, kuinka tärkeitä ei-tärkeät asiat ovat. Kun on vakavasti sairas, tajuaa molemmat. Pointti ei ole se, että vähemmän tärkeistä asioista tulee vakavasti sairaalle jotenkin vähäpätöisimpiä kuin muille ja tärkeimmät asiat vaan kirkastuvat, vaan juuri se, että ne pienet, muka-ei-tärkeät asiat tulevat vielä tärkeämmiksi.
”If you have a friend who is seriously sick, it’s helpful to remember that she’s not a new enlightened being who ruminates on mortality all day. It surprised me how much I desperately longed for the unimportant stuff in life: feeling pretty, going out, being able to turn the pages of a tabloid.
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People asked me what revelations I was having. I usually answered “Uh…the revelation that shampoo contributes a lot to personal identity?” So, if you have a friend who is sick and you think it might be silly to send flowers or chocolate or magazines or even a hair appointment (oh my god what an incredible gift), don’t. They’re still a human. And if they’re a human like me, they still love celebrity gossip. Maybe more than ever.” – Mari Andrew
Vietän päiviäni etsien turvallisia hiusten kasvatusvinkkejä. Katselemalla eri asukokonaisuuksia, jotka voisivat sopia uuteen vartalooni. Etsien instragramista kuvia naisista, jotka ovat ottaneet kuvia hiustenkasvunsa eri vaiheista sytostaattien jälkeen.
Itsetuntoni ei ole ollut tällaisissa pohjamudissa koskaan, ei edes epävarmoina teinivuosina, jolloin kuvittelin olevani hirveä läski, ihan vain siksi, että joku koulussa sanoi niin. (Olin normaalipainoinen.) Vaatteilla ja meikillä saa olon hetkeksi hyväksi, mutta muuten on olo ihan helvetin ruma.
Ja vasta nyt olen valmis tähän: varailen kirjastosta ihan valtavasti rintasyöpä-aiheisia kirjoja. Palan halusta käsittää ja ymmärtää, mitä ihmettä tässä oikein tapahtui ja saada kuulla, miten muut saivat itsetuntonsa takaisin rinnanpoiston jälkeen. Haluan tietää, miten he onnistuivat arvostamaan kehoansa ja luottamaan sen jälkeen, kun luottamus oman kehon toimintaan on ihan toden teolla viety.
Sillä haluan uskoa, että se itsetunto, armollisuus ja rakkaus omaa kehoa kohtaan vielä jonakin päivänä löytyy.
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