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Lauantaina mies ja taapero lähtivät sukulointireissulle. Tiedossa oli reilu vuorokausi vain oman itsen kanssa, enkä muista, koska viimeksi se olisi tullut näin tarpeeseen, tai ylipäätään, koska sellainen edes olisi ollut. En muista, koska olen viimeksi viettänyt näin pitkän ajan täysin yksin, ehkäpä joskus ennen kuin tulin raskaaksi? Eli joskus kolme vuotta sitten? Se kuulostaa todella pitkältä ajalta – aivan liian pitkältä – mutta taitaa pitää paikkansa.
Yksinolo on tehnyt todella hyvää. Olen saanut nukkua, kun nukuttaa, syödä, kun on nälkä ja tehdä kaiken omassa tahdissani. Lähteä lenkille juuri optimaaliseen aikaan. Itkenyt pahaa oloani niin kauan, että se on oikeasti mennyt ohi. Leikellyt lehdistä kivoja kuvia ja peittänyt pikkuvessan seinässä olevat rumat jäljet niistä tehdyillä asetelmilla.
Katsonut itseäni peilistä. Tuolta minä näytän. Kaivanut joogamaton ensimmäistä kertaa diagnoosin jälkeen esiin ja tuntenut läpikotaisin, miltä vartaloni tuntuu. Tässä kohtaa on kiristys. Tuonne kulkee nyt happea. Tältä venyminen tuntuu. Ihanaa!
Olen someaddikti, myönnetään, mutta kotona haluan pyrkiä myös siihen, että olen läsnä muille, eli lapselleni ja miehelleni. Mutta koska viimeksi olenkaan ollut läsnä itselleni? En tosiaan tiedä, mutta pääasia, että nyt olen. Ja että taas muistan, miten tärkeää se on.
Vaikka nykyinen arkeni koostuukin erilaisista asioista, joiksi arki yleensä mielletään, on se silti arkea. Siinä on lapsen hoito, iltarutiinit, perhe-elämä, erilaiset hoidot, aikataulut ja Kelan paperiasiat ja niiden alle unohdun minä itse. Unohtuu se, että nyt on ihan oikeasti tärkeää pitää huolta, että saa toteuttaa itseään edes jotenkin, että saa määrittää itseään edes jotenkin ja että todella saa tehdä sen itse, ilman niitä odotuksia, joita jopa ne kaikkein rakkaimmat asettavat, tahtomattaankin ja tietämättäänkin. Puhumattakaan siitä, mitä ajattelen yhteiskunnan odottavan minulta äitinä, vaimona, työntekijänä, syöpäpotilaana, you name it.
Minä olen ollut sen kaiken muun alla, mutta minulla on nyt lupa olla aivan oma itseni. Lupa etsiä se piilosta, eikä unohtaa, ei ainakaan näin pitkäksi aikaa. Vaikka tuntuu, että tämä lupa jää muiden odotusten alle ja on siksi riippuvainen muista, on silti myönnettävä, että se lupa on annettava itse. Kukaan muu ei sitä anna, ei ainakaan samalla tavalla.
Muista, sinun aikasi on tämä.
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