Varsin usein saan lukea jotain seuraavankaltaista:
”Sairastuin syöpään ja se muutti elämäni. Irtisanouduin töistä, perustin yrityksen, siivosin elämästäni kaiken turhan, kuten avioliittoni ja aloin syömään pelkkiä vihersmoothieita”.
Ööh. Okei?
Tälläisiä otsakkeita lipuu silmieni eteen jatkuvasti. En ihan pysty samaistumaan niihin. Ymmärrän, että monelle syöpä on elämän ensimmäinen niin valtavankokoinen kriisi, että se pysäyttää miettimään asioita uusiksi. Haluanko pysyä tässä parisuhteessa? Haluanko tehdä tätä työtä? Mihin haluan käyttää aikaani?
Jos näitä asioita ei ole pohtinyt ennen syöpää, pohtii niitä nyt varmasti. En epäile sitä yhtään ja ymmärrän, että se on vain hyväksi.
Mutta mitäpä jos on sairastanut ensimmäisen kerran jo teininä? Jos on jo kerran laittanut ammattihaaveet uusiksi, opetellut sanomaan ei silloin kun ei halua ja huutamaan kyllä silloin, kun haluaa? Kun on opetellut niin lujasti elämään hetkessä, koska mehän voidaan kuolla koska vain, että on jo joutunut opettelemaan siitä ajatusmallista osittain irti, jotta voisi joskus ymmärtää muita ikäisiään?
Syöpä laittaa elämän uusiksi, en kiellä sitä.
Mutta olenko jotenkin vaillinainen, jos en tämän myötä haluakaan muuttaa koko elämääni?
Tällä hetkellä koen suurta riittämättömyyttä monessa asiassa. Olen monin verroin herkempi, keskittymiskyvyttömämpi, muistamattomampi ja jaksamattomampi, kuin olisin ollut terveenä. Jaksoin puristaa tiukat hoidot läpi. mutta nyt värisen kuin haavanlehti ja meinaan hajota pienestäkin tuulenvireestä.
Mutta en aio syyttää siitä mitään muuta kuin syöpää.
Haluan edelleenkin olla saman ihmisen kanssa parisuhteessa. Rakastaa, yrittää ja tahtoa. Aina ei ole helppoa, kuten tuskin kenelläkään, kun suhde on tarpeeksi pitkä. En kuitenkaan koe, että tästä kaikesta luopuminen minua ainakaan auttaisi.
Työni ei ole helppoa ja olen vielä urani alussa. Tiedän, että jos olisin terve, osaisin paremmin asettaa asiat mittasuhteisiin: Osaisin ajatella, että uuden työn opettelu vie aikaa. Osaisin olla itselleni armollisempi ja minulla olisi toisaalta työssäni myös enemmän energiaa. Osaisin ehkä paremmin erotella työtä koskevat stressaavat asiat muista – nyt kun tuntuu, että kaikki kietoutuu yhteen suureksi vyyhdiksi, jota yritän selvittää.
Olen viettänyt terveellistä elämää ennenkin. Nuorempana opiskelijana minulla oli myös ei-niin-terveellisiä vuosia, joita en todellakaan kadu. Meillä oli melkoisen hauskaa! Olenpa myös elänyt pitkiä aikoja niin tarkalla ruokavaliolla ja käyttänyt aikaa syömis- ja laihtumiskuvioiden miettimiseen niin paljon, etten sitäkään sanoisi aivan terveelliseksi. Koen olevani jossain määrin tasapainossa.
Haaveilen edelleen samoista asioista, kuten toisesta lapsesta. Se on kuitenkin asia, jota en voi käytännössä lähteä toteuttamaan ainakaan muutamaan vuoteen, jos tuo nyt ylipäänsä on meille vielä mahdollista. Tämä ”sitten vaan aloin toteuttamaan haaveitani!” – mentaliteetti ei siis aivan toimi. Toki haaveilen paljon pienemmistäkin asioista, kuten omasta paremmasta jaksamisesta – siitä toki olen vastuussa aivan itse.
Voi olla, että jossain välissä aloitan maalaamaan väreillä isoja tauluja tai aloitan jonkin muun aivan satunnaisen harrastuksen. Niin kai ihmiset tekevät, jos jostain pystyvät järjestämään aikaa?
Viimeisen vuoden aikana on kuitenkin tapahtunut aivan hirvittävä määrä asioita. Tajusin vasta kirjoittaessani: Siitä on nyt tasan vuosi, kun löysin kyhmyn – oli juhannusta edeltävä keskiviikko. Sen jälkeen on tapahtunut seuraavia asioita:
- Syöpädiagnoosi, rinnan- ja imusolmukkeidenpoistoleikkaus, sytostaatit ja täsmälääkkeet, jotka jatkuvat edelleen
- Naimisiinmeno viime syksynä
- Kaksi muuttoa,ensin uuteen kämppään vuokralle ja sen jälkeen ensimmäiseen omaan asuntoon (eli siis asuntolaina, hui!)
- Olen saanut vakituisen työpaikan ensimmäistä kertaa erityisopettajana, jäänyt ennen työnaloitusta 8 kuukaudeksi sairaslomalle ja aloittanut työt osa-aikaisena
- Olen viimeistellyt ja palauttanut graduni, valmistunut kasvatustieteen maisteriksi ja pitänyt luentoja lapsen kohtaamisesta, kun vanhempi sairastuu vakavasti
Ai mitkä ruuhkavuodet?
Niin. Ehkä tässäkin on syitä siihen, miksi en kaipaa elämääni nyt suuria muutoksia: Yritän kovasti hahmottaa, mitä kaikkea tässä on tapahtunut ja koska, ja sekin jo tuntuu haastavalta. Kuten jo aiemmin olen sanonut, nyt toivon tasaisempia vuosia. Tylsyyskin kelpaisi.
Tämä on kuudes juhannus, kun mieheni on tullut elämääni ja meidän ensimmäinen, kun hänellä ei ole yhtään työv uoroa! Nyt juhlimme tätäkin virstanpylvästä. En tiedä, mitä kaikkea on tapahtunut vuoden päästä – enkä aio sitä miettiä.
On jälleen aika nauttia siitä, mitä on nyt. Hyvää juhannusta!
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