Tekisi mieli kirjoittaa. Olen listannut aiheita bujoon vaikka kuinka, mutta en jaksa. Olen vähän vihainen, mutta sitten en jaksa olla. Olen vähän ahdistunut, mutta en jaksa sitäkään. Koitan kerätä voimia siihen, kun lapsi tulee hoidosta ja haluaa leikkiä kanssani, mutta se on vaikeaa. Onneksi on Pikkukakkonen, onneksi on lastenkirjat, muuta en nyt jaksa.
Nukun yön, nukun aamupäivän, herään syömään aamupalaa, menen takaisin nukkumaan. On sytostaattiviikko. En vaan jaksa yhtään mitään. Solunsalpaajat (sytostaatit, kemoterapia, whatever) syövät kasvaimen lisäksi kaiken energian, joka mulla normaalisti on. Ne syövät veren punasolut ja tekevät sellaisen anemian, joihin ei ruokavalinnoilla tai rauta-kuurilla voi välttämättä vaikuttaa, kun anemia johtuu siitä, että lääkeaineet porautuvat luu-ytimeen. Hemoglobiinit menevät jossain viitearvojen alapuolella. Jalat tuntuvat hyytelöltä, enkä jaksa liikkua.
Omasta kunnosta pitäisi myös pystyä pitämään huolta. Missä ihmeessä menee keskitie? Hoitojen alkaessa jaksoin hyvin, hoitui muutot, hoitui erilaiset pakolliset järjestelyt, sitten koitti ensimmäinen kerta päivystyksessä kun ruumiinlämpöni nousi siihen 37.5 asteeseen, jolloin päivystykseen on lähdettävä välittömästi. Tahtini hiipui. Lämmönnousua oli koko seuraava viikko. Olin todennäköisesti jonkinlaisessa ylirasitustilassa ja oli vain pakko levätä. Mutta entä nyt? Syöpäpotilas on itse vastuussa omasta kunnostaan huolehtimisesta. On levättävä tarpeeksi, mutta ei liikaa. Rajanveto on hankalaa, kun on tottunut siihen, että jaksaa. Liika kuormituskaan ei ole hyväksi.
Omalle levolle pitää raivata tilaa, mutta missä se kohtuus menee? Kaiken suhteen? En näe sitä juuri nyt. Mikä on kohtuullista oman itseni, oman perheeni suhteen? Pitää olla terveesti itsekäs, mutta missä sen raja menee? Ei kai ihminen voi vaan nukkua läpi vuorokauden, vai voiko, pitääkö?
Kai se kohtuus pitää vaan etsiä itse. Minulla ei ole mitään aavistusta, miten se löytyy, mutta kai se joskus löytyy. Ehkäpä jo ensi viikolla, kun suurin väsymys taas hellittää.
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