Koska jaksaminen palautuu normaalille tasolle?
Mikä on normaali taso? Aika ennen hoitoja? Luuletko, että sinne ylipäätään voi joskus päästä?
Olen kysellyt tätä jo kuukausia. Koska sinne pääsee, koska itsensä voi kokea yhtä jaksavaksi ja energiseksi kuin aiemmin. Olen saanut monenlaisia vastauksia. Joku sanoo, että puolessa vuodessa. Joku sanoo, että noin kolmessa vuodessa. Joku sanoo, että viidessä, Ja aika moni sanoo myös, että ei muuten koskaan.
Kun olin tulossa äidiksi, mietin monesti, että miten ihmeessä ehdin sen kaiken, mitä muutkin ehtivät. Minulle sanottiin, että kyllä ne äidit vaan ehtivät.
Ja niin ehdinkin. Koskaan en ole opiskellut niin tehokkaasti, kuin vauvavuoden jälkeen. Yhteen lukuvuoteen 83 opintopistettä (minimi on 50, suositus on 60), siihen päälle perhe-arjen pyöritys ja omat liikunta-harrastukset.
Missä se tehokkuus on nyt?
Ei sitä ole.
En tiedä mistä aloittaa. En vaan jaksa. Välillä minusta tuntuu, että kyllä tämä tästä, kyllä kaikki palautuu pikkuhiljaa. Ja välillä romahdan. En vain jaksa. En yhtään mitään.
Kesä on täynnä kivaa tekemistä – mutta osa minusta haluaisi vain vetää peiton korville.
Ympärillä olevat ihmiset tykkäävät hehkuttaa: ”Olet niin elinvoimaisen näköinen! Ihana uusi kampaus! Miettikää, mistä kaikesta Minna on selvinnyt ja tuossa se on!”
Niin. Tässä olen, ja siitä olen kiitollinen. Eivätkä ne ihmiset pahaa tarkoita. He ovat todennäköisesti ihan vilpittömästi iloisia siitä, että pahin on nyt ohi. Mutta ei tämä asia kuitenkaan vielä ole lusittu.
Olen saanut pelkästään parhainta mahdollista hoitoa ja kohtelua. Silti sairaalaympäristö vituttaa. Koko toukokuun olen käynyt TYKS:ssä kerran tai kaksi viikossa. Ilahdun nähdessäni tutun hoitajan tai lääkärin, mutta vihaan käytäviä, sairaala-asuja, tutkimuksia, kuvauksia, sitä, ettei kukaan saa minulta verikoetta otettua ja sitä, että miten muistan jokaisella aistillani ihan kaiken. Miten lääkkeiden maku tulee suuhun ja miten saan jälleen kerran päähäni sen ajatuksen: ”Mitä, jos taas…”
Sitten tulen pois sairaalasta. Olen käynyt läpi valtavan tunnemyrskyn, mutta se ei näy ulospäin. Se aiheuttaa ristiriidan: En haluaisikaan olla pelkkä syöpäpotilas, minussa on paljon muutakin. Mutta asia ei mitenkään ole vielä loppuunkäsitelty. Hoidothan ovat vielä aivan kesken ja korjausleikkaus vasta tulossa! En ole toipunut hoidoista fyysisesti enkä psyykkisesti. En jaksa samalla tavalla kuin ennen. Se on kuitenkin hankala muistaa, kun asia ei enää ulospäin näy. Pitäisikö askarrella roosanauhoista joku kiva hiuskoriste? Auttaisiko se? Ja haluaisinko sellaista kuitenkaan – siis sitä, ettei tätä asiaa voisi unohtaa?
En tiedä. Haen uusia jaksamisen rajoja jatkuvasti, jokainen päivä. Ja aika monena päivänä huomaan, että niin minä, kuin muutkin, odottivat, että jaksan ihan niin kuin ennenkin.
Minulla on ikävä vanhaa minua. Sitä, joka jaksoi.
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