Viime aikoina on tuntunut hankalalta kirjoittaa – keskittymiskyky on hukassa ja ajatukset sinkoilevat sinne ja tänne.
Päivät ovat vaihtelevia. Jos on tarpeeksi ohjelmaa, saattaa päivä olla hyvä. Jos ohjelmaa ei ole, ajaudun helposti lukemaan pelkkiä syöpätarinoita, nettikauppoihin selailemaan vaatteita tai nukkumaan lähes ympäri vuorokauden.
Fyysinen kunto on edelleen heikko. Yritän kohottaa sitä hitaasti ja rauhallisesti, sillä hiemankin nopeampi tempo saa sykkeen taivaisiin. Sekä viimeksi annettu CEF-sytostaatti että seuraavana vuorossa oleva täsmälääke Herceptin kuormittavat rajusti sydäntä ja seuraavan vuoden ajan sydämen kuntoa seurataankin peräti kolmen kuukauden välein, jotta voidaan selvittää, että voidaanko hoitoa jatkaa.
Tämä kaikki tuntuu turhauttavalta. Vaikka olen toisaalta ollut ihminen, joka osaa ottaa hyvinkin rennosti, olen myös tottunut olemaan ihminen, joka tarpeen tullen saa tehtyä mitä tahansa hyvinkin tehokkaasti, kun aikaraja lähestyy tai motivaatio on muuten kohdillaan. Nyt en voi olla tehokas.
Niin kauan, kuin lääkitystä jatketaan, en pelkää syövän uusimista. Sen sijaan pelkään sydänkohtausta, rytmihäiriöitä ja sitä, että sydämeni menee niin heikkoon kuntoon, ettei täsmälääkettä voida antaa.
Olen alkanut ymmärtää paremmin ihmisiä, jotka pelkäävät verikokeita ja pistämistä. Minä en ole koskaan ennen ollut sellainen, paitsi nyt. Sytostaatit, joita myös solumyrkyiksi kutsutaan, ovat saaneet verisuoneni huonoon kuntoon. Verisuonet karkailevat pistäessä, eivätkä tunnu kunnolla ja yleensä verikokeen onnistumiseksi minua tarvitsee pistää noin viisi kertaa. Suonet myös hajoavat pistämisestä. Viime pistoksista on jo yli kolme viikkoa ja käteni on edelleen kosketusarka. Suonet eivät tästä myöskään palaudu.
Sytostaatit eivät todella ole mikään pikku juttu. Äitini kertoi vähän aikaa sitten, että silloin kun viimeksi sairastin syöpää, äitini oli ihmetellyt hoitajalle, miksi hän laittaa lääkepussien jämät eri roskikseen, kuin muut roskat. Hoitaja oli todennut, ettei syöpähoidoista kertyvää jätettä voida laittaa tavalliseen sekajätteeseen, sillä ne ovat ongelmajätettä.
Muita sairauksia koitetaan yleensä hoitaa siten, että lääkkeet ovat mahdollisimman turvalliset ja aiheuttavat mahdollisimman vähän jälkivaikutuksia. Syövän tutkimus ei ole vielä niin pitkällä, että tällaiseen olisi varaa. Sairastuneet koitetaan kaikin tavoin pitää hengissä, vaikka jälkivaikutukset olisivat hurjat.
Kävin viime viikolla vaatekaupoilla etsimässä jotain kivaa mekkoa, mutta sellaista ei löytynyt. Tällä hetkellä valtaosa mekoista on avonaisia joko edestä tai takaa. Korkeakauluksellisia mekkoa kyllä löytyy myös, mutta kaipaan sen kaveriksi pitkää, kiharaa tukkaani. Sen kanssa tuntui, että näytän naise
lliselta, toisin on kaljun kanssa. Sytostaateista on kolme viikkoa ja minulla on edelleen päänahassa kaljuja kohtia, joissa tukka ei kasva. Hiuksethan eivät kaikista lääkkeistä aina palaudu. Toivon kovasti, että tukka alkaa pian kasvamaan kunnolla ja joka kohdasta. Muistan sen tunteen, kun tiedostin sen, etten ole täydellinen, mutta pidin silti itseäni ihan viehättävänä. Kaipaan sitä. Tiedän, että en saa rintaani takaisin ilman leikkausta, mutta haluaisin edes sen pilkkeen silmäkulmassa, joka minulla oli.
Minun piti alunperin palata töihin helmikuun alussa, mutta en todellakaan vielä ole työkunnossa – en fyysisesti, enkä henkisesti. Toisaalta kaipaan hirveästi töihin – kaipaan ihan muuta ajateltavaa. Toisaalta haluan pyhittää aikani asioiden käsittelylle, sillä ruuhkavuosiin hyppäämisen keskellä isojen juttujen läpi käyminen saattaa olla haastavaa. Edelleen tasapainoilen sen kanssa, mikä on oikea määrä vatvoa asioita. Onko parempi rypeä ja käsitellä vai tehdä ja käsitellä tämän kaltaisia tapahtumia? Ja kuinka paljon on ylipäätään järkevää käsitellä, kun alkaa jo hahmottamaan, että joissakin asioissa tarvitaan prosessoinnin lisäksi myös ihan vaan aikaa?
Olen pohtinut, mikä saa vastaavassa tilanteessa vertaiset paremmalle tuulelle. Onko se liikunta, rauhoittuminen ja rentoutuminen, oma seura vai läheisten seura vai ”paluu normaaliin”? Mikä oli joskus normaali ja mikä on uusi normaali?
Entä mikä saa minut paremmalle tuulelle? En tiedä sitä, saati että tietäisin edes, kuka ylipäätään olen. Ei varmaan auta muu, kuin selvittää.
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