Jokainen päivä se on mielessä. Jos en mieti sitä, joku sitä kysyy. ”Koskas sulle se lapsi tulee?” Olen aina halunnut lapsen. Ainakin siitä asti kun parikymppisenä tutustuin entiseen mieheeni. Ja sitä lasta tekemällä tehtiin ja joka kuukausi sain pettyä. Olin katkeroitunut kahden vuoden jälkeen. Yksityisellä lapsettomuusklinikalla asti kävimme. Muuten olin minä kunnossa, mutta pco (monirakkula munasarja) oli tuomio. Kuukautiset olivat alusta asti hyvin epäsäännölliset, kaksi kertaa vuodessa ja seitsemän viikkoa putkeen. Pahimmillaan olin todella väsynyt ja hemoklobiini alimmillaan 82. Tuli avioero, lasta ei. Kuitenkin eron jälkeen kuukautiset alkoivat tulemaan normaalisti. Laihduin 20kg, lieko siinä syy.
Nykyisen mieheni tapasin 2011. Hänellä on kaksi lasta entuudestaan. Olin tehnyt päätöksen, että en halua lapsia enää. Kuitenkin muutaman vuoden päästä haaveet nosti taas päätään. Päätimme ottaa asenteeksi ”tulee jos on tullakseen”. Ei tullut. Vuosi sitten päätimme että alamme tosissamme yrittämään. Mitään ei kuitenkaan ole tapahtunut.
Pohdin joka päivä, mitä pahaa olen tälle maailmalle tehnyt että minua näin rangaistaan. Itken usein kun minulla on rakas sukulaislapsi yökylässä, itken että antaisin mitä vaan että saisin itse viettää tätä lapsiarkea.
Onko syy rankassa ylipainossani? Vaivaako se pco kuitenkin edelleen? Vai onko elämä vaan niin julma? Olen pääsemässä hyvää vauhtia vatsalaukun ohitusleikkaukseen. Toivonkin sen vaikuttavan tähän asiaan, että raskautuisin.
Jaksan edelleen uskoa hyvään, vaikka välillä tuntuu todella pahalta. Jokaisella asialla on tarkoitus, vai onko?
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